The human frame is approximately thirty percent head and seventy percent body. The thirty percent controls thinking and the seventy percent action. The human body requires clothing both for modesty and protection.

There is a well-known generality from Chassidus that everything that exists in the physical is a reflection and the product of that which exists in the spiritual.

Fascinatingly, and predictably therefore, is the fact that the human soul is made up of ten levels.[12] Thirty percent are intellect and seventy percent are emotion. Just as does the body, the soul also requires garments which we will learn later are thought, speech and action.[13] We will see later that although all the garments of the soul, like human clothing, can be changed, and can be changed fairly easily with effort, the essence of the soul is not available for change by ordinary people. The givens of the soul in most people are just that: givens, and they remain immutable.[14]

For the time being it is important to understand that the essence of the soul (as opposed to its garments) contains a combination of the three different levels of intellect and seven different levels of emotion. The three levels of intellect are discussed elsewhere. The seven levels of emotion are broadly divided in Chassidus into "right", "left" and "center".[15]

On the right side is the (Hebrew word) chesed. Chesed is difficult to translate in one word, but connotes kindness, giving, forgiveness, and expansiveness.

On the left side is (the Hebrew word) gevurah. This connotes strictness, order, discipline, and boundaries.

In the middle and below both is (the Hebrew word) tiferes which connotes a perfection of chesed and gevurah, a combination, fulfillment and completion of both leading to a level of compassion.

It is important to understand that neither chesed (kindness) nor gevurah (strictness) has anything to do with good and bad. A person may exhibit chesed for good or for bad and so too with gevurah. Kindness can be good but too much kindness in handing a child excess sweets may ruin his health. Discipline can be good but too much may break the spirit of the child. A person who has a soul weighted towards chesed will react in a chesed-like manner and a person who has a soul weighted to gevurah will act in a gevurah-like manner whether the action is good or bad. For example,[16] suppose a known drug-addict approaches a person in the street asking for twenty dollars to buy food. Assume for the sake of the example that the person approached is a good person who, because of his good intentions, wants to help the addict. If he is a chesed person, he will thrust the twenty dollars at the addict induced by empathy for his plight. He is overwhelmed by pity and the need of the person making the request.

A person governed by gevurah on the other hand, also wanting to help the addict, may determine that it would be better not to give him the money so that he would be denied access to further potentially lethal drugs. Therefore, like the chesed man, the gevurah man also wants to help the recipient but does so he believes, by doing the opposite and withholding the money.

A third person in whom the trait of tiferes shines most brightly may neither give the money nor withhold it. He may choose instead to deal with the situation by taking the man to a food store and feeding him.

It can be seen therefore that chesed is not necessarily good and that gevurah is not necessarily bad, or vice versa, but that they are different emotions and they affect different results in action.

One of the fascinating properties of emotion is that each emotion has its own direction. The chesed groups of emotions are outward flowing whereas the gevurah group is incoming. Usually chesed connotes giving over to someone else, moving something away from the giver to the domain of the recipient. Gevurah on the other hand, connotes a taking from or limiting someone else. In the example of the drug addict the person governed by chesed has the emotional need to give his money to the addict, whereas the person governed by gevurah has the emotional need to deny the money to the addict, withholding it from him.

All of the seven emotions fall into one or other of the general chesed (right) group, the gevurah (left) group or the tiferes (middle) group.

It is important in understanding the dynamics of interpersonal relations between husband and wife that the parties to the marriage learn to identify these groupings and the directions these emotions take. Love is an excellent example. It goes without saying that an important ingredient in marriage is love. Love however, can be chesed, gevurah or tiferes. For example, when a parent loves his child the emotion if he described it, would be a giving, supporting and self sacrificing emotion (chesed). The parent wants good for the child. Ultimately a good parent wants to give over everything to the child to the point where the child can function on its own without the need for the support of the parent. The love is a giving love and the biggest nachas of the parent is that although loved by the child, he is no longer needed for the child's functioning as an adult, the parent having contributed all within his power.

When the same parent loves chocolate the emotion if he described it, would be a taking, consuming, self gratifying emotion (gevurah). He is not interested in the welfare of the chocolate, he is in fact interested in gratifying himself. His pleasure comes from completely destroying the chocolate by consuming it; the more totally the chocolate is consumed the more pleased and gratified he is.

There is nothing wrong or right about either emotion properly directed. There are times when chessed needs to be actioned and there are times when gevurah needs to be actioned. The danger arises where there is confusion between chesed and gevurah, when one emotion is mistaken for the other.

There are times in a marriage where the partners need to express themselves through chesed. They need to give to each other, they need to provide comfort and support for the other. Equally there are times when they need to take from the partner expressing themselves through gevurah. Sometimes the combination of tiferes is necessary. Marital relations are an obvious example of where both directions need to be in evidence as combined.

Problems arise when the two directions become confused as opposed to combined. A husband manifesting gevurah claiming it to be chesed perplexes and frustrates his wife. Demanding to have his needs catered for while claiming to be only interested in the wife's welfare is a fraudulent confusion of these directions. Have you ever witnessed a husband eating his wife's portion of cake from her plate kindly saving her from becoming too fat? Or, having burnt the toast and too lazy to make more, assure the spouse that burnt toast is wonderful for health? We will see that both directions are important; truth demands however, that each direction be faithfully identified and recognized for what it is. If one partner is infringing on the other's space to the point of it becoming debilitating, it is important that this behavior be limited by the party suffering. Ultimately the perfect state is one in which tiferes is achieved; a combination of giving emotions and taking emotions but always, and primarily, for the benefit of the other person.

As mentioned above, and this will be discussed further as we travel together, emotional attributes are for most people unchangeable. It is therefore impossible for one marriage partner to expect that the other to change from being a chesed person to a gevurah person or the reverse. What needs to be achieved is an honest recognition of when one is functioning through their chesed or through their gevurah. When this is sincerely understood an evaluation of the effect on the other person becomes possible. This is because, without these skills, it is difficult to recognize whether a partner making a decision resolving a conflict is doing so for the benefit of the partner or merely acting in the interests of their own private agenda. For example, suppose a husband comes home with a brilliant new business deal and the wife refuses permission for their involvement. If the refusal is based on fear (gevurah) it is important to be able to identify this is as the reason. One can then work with that reason to determine whether it overrides the soundness of the business plan .If on the other hand the refusal to participate is driven by the conviction that the husband, although maybe a wonderful father and scholar, is simply a sucker in the hands of the proposed ventures, this is a perception motivated by the wife's chesed, and should be identified as such to the husband to determine whether or not the business deal should proceed. In both instances the emotions are considered against the wisdom of the business deal because they have been correctly and honestly identified. At no point is there any issue of the emotions being "good" or "bad". At no point is there an unidentified private agenda. The point from where the emotions emanate has been understood and so now a decision based on reason can be made. It is only then that emotional reactions can be dominated by appropriate intellectual appraisal.

In accordance with Perspective V, ultimately a happy marriage depends on both parties having the strength of mind to regulate their emotions by reason. This can only be achieved however by first understanding the emotions to begin with and from where they come.

   

Notes:

12. (Back to text) See Tanya, ch. 3.

13. (Back to text) Ibid., ch. 4.

14. (Back to text) See Tanya, chs. 12, 13; Hemshech 5672, Vol. I, p. 203; Sefer HaMaamarim Meluket, Vol. II, p. 292.

15. (Back to text) See Torah Or, Toldos, p. 19a ff.

16. (Back to text) Sefer HaMaamarim Kuntreisim, Vol. I, p. 166ff.