There is the known Jewish custom that the
mechutanim on both sides jointly decide on the date and location of the wedding.
[1]
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIX, p. 200)
The date of the wedding - [should be] in accordance with the decision of "both sides." Surely you will not draw it out, [i.e., you should celebrate the wedding sooner rather than later].
(From a letter of the Rebbe, dated 18 Teves, 5725)[2]
The location of the wedding and the manner [of how it will be celebrated (caterer, music, etc.)] - [should be] according to the joint decisions of the
mechutanim.
The arrangements after the wedding, [e.g., where to settle, to go on shlichus, etc.] mostly relate and belong to chassan and kallah sheyichyu, and they are [the ones who are] to ask [me questions that pertain to these matters].
(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)[3]
... Regarding your question about the place of the wedding:
The prevailing custom is that it is celebrated where the kallah's family (tzad hakallah) is located- that is to say, in the location of their choosing.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 114)
... The wedding of the
Rebbe (
Rashab)
Nishmaso Eden, was held - as is the Jewish custom - in the place where the
kallah's parents lived....
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XXII, p. 31)
[With regard to] good things [in general] and particularly [with regard to establishing] an eternal edifice, the sooner it is done the better it is.
(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)[4]
It is my considered opinion that during present times, it is most praiseworthy to celebrate one's wedding - "according to the laws of Moshe and Israel" - at the earliest opportunity, particularly as the
tena'im (or likewise, even the decision to get married - with its concurrent degree of resulting closeness) has already been celebrated.
(Shaarei Halachah U'Minhag, Vol. IV, p. 99)
It is customary to set the marriage date for an earlier time, but not a later time.
Since - it would seem - you are constantly developing new ideas [as to the date], I therefore urge you to get together on this once again. However, do so in a manner that this will be the final and unalterable date.
And as you decide, may your decision be in a good and auspicious hour.
(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)[5]
It is customary - as is well known - that once a wedding date has been set, it is not postponed; particularly so, when there is absolutely no reason or basis for doing so.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XX, p. 12)
With regard to the content of your letter about the
shidduch [of your daughter]:
... Your suggestion that she become engaged now and get married in two years or a year and a half is entirely improper.
For the present generations are not similar to days past, and a girl of her age should not be preoccupied with such thoughts for such a lengthy period of time - from the time of her engagement until the time of her marriage, [i.e., one and a half or two years from now].
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIX, p. 189)
Responding to an individual who desired to become engaged, but marry only after a longer period of time, the Rebbe replied:
In present times, there are any number of reasons (including those of Yiras Shomayim) why it is inappropriate to obligate oneself and surely another [to eventually marry each other], when the plan is to marry only after a lengthy period of time.
To the contrary, it is praiseworthy to minimize as much as possible the duration between the decision to get married and the actual marriage.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XXIV, p. 227)
As known, it is not in the manner of
tznius to draw out the time between the engagement and the marriage.
This is particularly so - as can readily be understood - when both of them, [i.e., both chassan and kallah] live in the same city.
(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)[6]
... With regard to the
shidduchim about which you write:
[7]
Is there a valid and sufficient reason according to Shulchan Aruch for this lengthy period of time between the conclusion of the shidduch and the date of the wedding? Or is it possibly a custom that has no basis [in Jewish law]?
Should it be the latter, it would be advisable to nullify this custom in a pleasant and diplomatic manner. For who in our present generation is able to say [i.e., has the strength to defiantly say, (to the Satan)] "an arrow in your eye,"[8] [i.e., I will not succumb to your blandishments].
[If this cannot be accomplished within the general local community,] then at least see to it that the time period [between the engagement and wedding] is shortened among Anash and among those who are associated with Anash.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XI, p. 169)
It is self-understood that delaying the wedding until next year causes [me] tremendous puzzlement.
Surely it will take place - as you state at the conclusion of your letter - in the middle of that time. And according to many, even one moment after the beginning is already called the middle. (See Terumos 3:5 and in the Yerushalmi there, as well as the commentaries).
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 188)
In reply to your letter from the first day of
Vayeilech in which you enumerate the reasons why the wedding couldn't be celebrated in the month of Elul:
All your reasons, logical as they are, are wholly subordinate to the crucial reasons that militate against lengthening the time [until the wedding].
Understandably, my intent is not to bemoan the past, but to urge you with regard to the future - so that you at least set the wedding for the upcoming month of Kislev, the month of Geulah. May it be G-d's will that the wedding be celebrated in a good and auspicious hour.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. X, p. 8)
You write that you have yet to set a date for your wedding. Surely you will not draw it out, and with due diligence you will no doubt be able to thwart all those matters that are impeding [setting a date for and celebrating your wedding].
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 400)
You write in your letter that it seems that you will be getting married in a year from now, since by then you will have concluded your service in the army and your
kallah will have by then concluded her studies in
Beis Yaakov.
I find this delay to be unfortunate.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 283)
You write that your sister is to be married in the month of Menachem Av. You can understand my astonishment at the lengthy period of time [until the wedding], particularly since
chassan and
kallah both live in the same city.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 102)
You write that the wedding date has been set for ... You can understand my astonishment at the lengthy period of time [until the wedding]. Surely both parties will consent to move the date forward, in a good and auspicious hour.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XI, p. 148)
I am in receipt of your letter from the 3rd of Sivan in which you write that a goodly amount of time has passed since your daughter has become engaged, and that for the time being you are unable to arrange the wedding because you lack the necessary funds to obtain a dwelling [for them].
There is the well-known saying that one does not offer advice unless he is asked for it.
Nevertheless I am using this opportunity to restate my most vigorous protest regarding the fact that in Eretz Yisrael it is customary to link marriage with appalling expenses and with conditions that the dwelling must be specifically in a particular location, [i.e., in a narrowly defined area].
[Demands are also made that] other [physical] matters as well must be in a specific manner. All this leads to major delays between the date of the engagement and the date of the marriage.
Surely, to someone of your stature, I need not explain at length how such a delay is extremely undesirable, especially in our present [spiritually] "orphaned" generation. And a word to the wise is sufficient.
As known, one is to give each and every individual the benefit of the doubt; surely so when the matter is a custom that has been accepted by many, many families.
Nonetheless, it is incumbent upon those who find themselves in Eretz Yisrael, in particular a dean (Rosh Mesivtah) and others who have influence in yeshivah circles and among yeshivah youth, to vigorously protest [the above manner of conduct].
They are to do all they are able to change this minhag [custom], (the letters of which [i.e., of the word minhag,] also form the word) etc.[9] It is self-understood that one needs to act on this with regard to one's own family as well.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIII, p. 152)[10]
As a follow-up to the previous letter, the Rebbe wrote the following letter, wherein he amplifies his concerns and also offers a possible remedy to the situation.
... It is incumbent upon
Rabbonim and
Roshei Yeshivah and all those to whom a traditional lifestyle is precious, that they take most vigorous steps to change the prevailing situation wherein [choosing a time for] a wedding is linked to expending many thousands of
liros for renting a home.
One of the manners of remedying the situation - it would seem to me as I view the situation from afar - is that they [i.e., the yeshivos] begin situating themselves not necessarily in only those two or three locations where the "key money" [necessary to obtain an apartment] is outrageous.
Rather, they should move the yeshivos, or at least some of the branches, to areas where dwellings are less expensive.
Although the difficulties [in moving a yeshivah or section thereof] are self-understood, nevertheless these difficulties fall upon the community at large. This is not so with regard to "key money" that is the responsibility of the solitary individual - he is the one who has to seek out and find [the funds], and so on.
According to the information I have received, the present situation regarding "key money" acts as an impediment to many marriages and shidduchim, and drags out the time between engagements and weddings. The view of our Sages, of blessed memory, to such a situation is explained in many places.
It is my hope that when local concerned individuals will get together to correct the situation, they will find a solution to this vexing problem, remedying it as necessary - at least with the passage of time. Moreover, the merit of the multitude will assist them [in succeeding in their undertaking].
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIII, p. 486)
This is in reply to your letter in which you write that you have been engaged for some time, but the absence of fiscal means to obtain a dwelling is, for the time being, delaying your wedding.
... In the past[11] I have already written about situations such as yours to many yeshivah students and many G-d-fearing young men in general. I have stated that I am pained by the unfortunate custom among young men in Eretz Yisrael who seek to live only in a narrowly defined area and who consequently have to pay outrageous amounts of "key money" to obtain their dwellings.
Understandably, [until they are able to come up with these vast sums,] their weddings are pushed off for a very considerable period. This [delay] is contrary to the ruling of our sacred Torah, the Torah of Life.
There are so many places in Eretz Yisrael where housing is not so expensive; those places, too, possess the sanctity of Eretz Yisrael. Even with regard to Jerusalemites - if it has been stated that one may leave Eretz Yisrael in order to marry, surely one may leave Jerusalem to dwell in other cities within Eretz Yisrael. (That is to say, even if we were to take it as a given that the neighborhoods in which they live are truly within the boundaries of Yerushalayim.)
Would only this unfortunate custom finally end and undergo a radical change, then wedding celebrations would immediately increase, and houses would be built in Israel without these most appalling and entirely needless difficulties and complications.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVII, p. 160)
I acknowledge your letter of the 17th of Teves, and it pleased me to read that the matter concerning a dwelling was somehow resolved. Mostly I was pleased to read that you are finally planning to set a date for your wedding in a good and auspicious hour.
At all times and particularly during present times, our Sages were not pleased with long intervals between the engagement and marriage.
This is particularly so when the reason for the delay is merely that the individual is not utterly sure and not wholly satisfied as to his means of earning his livelihood, although our Sages in fact declare:[12] "A person does not know how he will earn his livelihood." (See also Iggeres HaKodesh of the Alter Rebbe, beginning of Epistle XXII.)
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. X, p. 286)
... I do not approve of that which you write that you are delaying the wedding because at present you are unable to earn an adequate living, for there is the famous statement of our Sages,
[13] of blessed memory, (quoted in
Likkutei Torah, conclusion of portion
Berachah[14]) with regard to G-d providing man sustenance because of his wife.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. III, p. 60)
You write about your son pushing off the setting of a wedding date because he is burdened with debts, etc. - although your
mechutanim say that for their part this does not serve as an impediment to the marriage - and you ask me what to do.
I am both astounded and perplexed.
There is the famous statement of our Sages, of blessed memory, (explained in Likkutei Torah, conclusion of portion Berachah) regarding how G-d provides man with sustenance because of his wife. Thus, it is quite possible that it is precisely because your son has yet to marry that he finds himself in dire financial straits.
The objection that as of yet there are no adequate [wedding] garments and so on, is understandably patently absurd; what possible justification can that be for delaying something as crucial and as critical to one's entire life as marriage?
Even if it were to be true that there are those who would ridicule him [because of his lacking garments, etc.], nevertheless the beginning of all four sections of the Shulchan Aruch, the Code of Jewish Law, is that one is not to be fazed by those who scoff and ridicule.
Moreover, this [fear of ridicule] is no more than a figment of his imagination. Even in the United States, a country that has a worldwide reputation as one where money is of primary importance, he would not be subject to ridicule.
We verily observe that many of our Jewish brethren here - even those who were not brought up in a household of Chassidim and Temimim - marry with the understanding and mutual consent of husband and wife that the husband will spend many years learning in a kollel, although this will cause them to live a life of physical deprivation. Surely, such should be the attitude of a child of Temimim.
It is astonishing that you find it necessary to inquire "across the sea,"[15] even with regard to a matter as obvious and simple as this. Moreover, even when the response is given [to the inquiry], it is uncertain whether the response will be efficacious and heeded.
Even more amazing: it seems as if these issues concern the parents no less than they concern the son. How can this possibly be so?
With regard to your son's argument of "What's the rush?" the fallacy of this argument need not be belabored; a person knows within his own soul [why he should get married as soon as possible after his engagement] and the sayings of our Sages are known with regard to this matter.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 114)
During present times, strictures on wedding dates,
[16] except - as is self-understood - for those strictures that are explicitly stated, leading as they [i.e., these strictures] do to pushing off and
delaying the wedding, results, in
many, many instances, in pitfalls (
michsholim) in matters of
tznius, etc. of
chassan and
kallah - much to our chagrin (
ba'avonoseinu harabim).
It is extremely doubtful whether they [the delays] are advisable, or to the contrary [i.e., they cause more harm than good].
(My general advice therefore is - not to delay the time of the wedding.)
(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)[17]
The Rebbe's
mazkir, Rabbi Leibel Groner, relates that the Rebbe once told him to relay to Rabbi Zalman Shimon Dworkin, of blessed memory, the following:
During present times he should permit weddings whenever [ halachicly] possible (ven es lozt zich), and not excessively consider "all the strictures" (nit kuken oif aleh hagbolois) [as to particular times of the month, etc.], so long as it enables the wedding to be held at an earlier date [than it would have been held otherwise] (abi vos free'er machen di chasuneh).
If at all possible, it is worthwhile to make an effort to set the time of the wedding for a day when it will be a "
chuppah tehorah" [i.e., the
kallah will be in a state of purity]. Even if this would be on the first day of
Rosh Chodesh - when
Rosh Chodesh is two days - that is also fine.
Understandably, I am not referring to Rosh Chodesh Sivan, which is still in the days of Sefirah, but it may be Rosh Chodesh Tammuz or Rosh Chodesh Elul.
Whenever you set the date, may it be in a good and auspicious hour and for a mazal tov.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IX, p. 46)
You fail to mention in your letter why [the date was set] specifically for the second half of the month of Teves. Possibly this was done to ensure a "c
huppah tehorah."
However, there is the well-known ruling of the Nesi'im, our holy Rebbeim - and so, too, have I heard from my father-in-law, the Rebbe - that a "chuppas niddah" was not scrupulously avoided (lo hikpidu al chuppas niddah).
Whatever your final decision, may G-d will it that the wedding take place in a good and auspicious hour.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 88)
You emphasize in the text of your invitation the "singular [secular] quality" of Sunday,
[19] when the
very opposite [of its secular aspect] should have been emphasized - Sunday is a day when students are free from having to attend [secular] public school.
It would be even better if you make no particular effort to call attention to the fact that the wedding is taking place on a Sunday.
(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)[20]
With regard to the manner of the wedding:
It would be best that it not be held on Sunday - how long must Jews emulate non-Jewish customs [such as getting married exclusively on Sunday].[21]
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IX, p. 46)
It is my understanding that even during the month of Tishrei, our custom is to make the
chuppah [i.e., to hold a wedding] only during the first half of the month.
(Sefer HaMinhagim, p. 76)
... It is also self-understood that there is no allowance for making a wedding during the second half of the month of Tishrei, as I have never seen this done.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVII, p. 306)
It is the Jewish custom
not to marry during
Aseres Yemei Teshuvah.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IX, p. 205)
... With regard to your mentioning the month of Cheshvan [as a possible time for the wedding], it is my understanding that it is not customary among
Anash to celebrate weddings during this month.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVII, p. 277)
Instead of making a chuppah [i.e., to hold a wedding] during the month of Cheshvan, we set the date for the month of Kislev - even during the second half of that month.
(Sefer HaMinhagim, p. 76)
... You write that for a variety of reasons you are entertaining the possibility that your wedding will not take place during the month of Kislev.
According to my opinion, this is entirely incorrect. It is worth making an effort so as to ensure that your wedding will take place in the month of [Kislev, the month of] "our redemption and the liberation of our souls," the "third month" from the beginning of the year.
When you and your kallah will truly desire for this to come about, then you will surely find the appropriate method, that in a peaceful and gentle way [you will be able convince those who are in opposition to having the wedding during this month] that this [marriage] should [indeed] take place [in the month of Kislev].
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. X, p. 131)
During the month of Kislev, weddings are celebrated during the second half of the month as well.
(Sefer HaMinhagim, p. 76)
As known, it is our custom to celebrate weddings in the month of Kislev...
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 52)
It is not
all that common to celebrate weddings during the month of Teves.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 52)
In reply to your letter from Motzoei Shabbos Kodesh Shuvah, in which you write about setting the date for the forthcoming marriage:
Regarding a marriage date in the month of Teves: Since you inquired of me, [I am obliged to tell you that] it is not the custom in our circles to celebrate weddings during this month. However, during the month of Kislev, we celebrate weddings throughout the entire month.
Whatever your ultimate decision, may it be in a good and auspicious hour in all details and aspects.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVIII, p. 16)
It is not
all that common to celebrate weddings during the month of Shevat.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 52)
... Should you decide to celebrate the wedding during the month of Shevat, it should be celebrated during the first half of the month.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 88)
In reply to your letter concerning establishing a wedding date:
If it will be fixed for the month of Shevat, then according to our custom, it is celebrated during the first half of the month.
... If there are compelling reasons to celebrate the wedding during the second half of the month, then you should obtain (" yoshiv") three rabbis and they should rule that the timing is proper and acceptable.
May the wedding take place in a good and auspicious hour.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIX, p. 145)
Weddings are celebrated during the entire month of Adar.
(Sefer HaMinhagim, p. 76)
It is my considered opinion that you should make an effort to marry either in Adar or Nissan. ... If in Adar, [the marriage may take place] during the entire month, [the second half included,] as the entire month is one of joy and gladness, as stated in the verse.[22]
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 88)
... If for whatever reason the wedding needs to be delayed [since it can't be held at the conclusion of Shevat], it is better that it be celebrated [anytime] during the month of Adar, as the entire month comes under the heading of "days of feasting and yom tov."
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XIX, p. 45)
With regard to setting a date for the marriage: During the month of Adar [weddings are celebrated during] the entire month, both the first as well as the second half [of the month] ... for as known, all days of the month of Adar are equal in goodness (shavim l'tovah).
(Igros Kodesh, Admur Rayatz, Vol. X, pp. 114 and 288)
In reply to the question whether the statement "Weddings are celebrated during the entire month of Adar" applies [not only to Adar in a regular year and Adar II in a leap year, but] to Adar I as well, the Rebbe responded with the following:
It is my considered opinion that during present times, it is most praiseworthy to celebrate one's wedding - "according to the laws of Moshe and Israel" - at the earliest opportunity.
Particularly, as the tena'im (or likewise, even the decision to get married - with its concurrent degree of resulting closeness) has already been celebrated.[23]
(Shaarei Halachah U'Minhag, Vol. IV, p. 99)
It is my considered opinion that you should make an effort to marry either in Adar or Nissan.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 88)
Weddings are celebrated in the month of Nissan until the festival of Pesach.
(Igros Kodesh, Admur Rayatz, Vol. X, p. 114)
... With regard to the idea of setting the wedding date on Thursday night, Friday eve, which is
Lag BaOmer:
... If for whatever reason you specifically desire that the wedding take place on Lag BaOmer, then it would be best to celebrate the wedding on Friday, but not on Thursday evening.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VIII, p. 318)
Lag BaOmer is Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai's day of rejoicing.[24] Moreover, mere rejoicing does not suffice on this day - there is to be specifically "great rejoicing."[25]
This finds expression in the Jewish custom ... of joyously celebrating Lag BaOmer, including celebrating Lag BaOmer with the greatest joy of all, the joy of chassan and kallah, as it is customary to celebrate weddings on Lag BaOmer.
(Hisvaaduyos 5749, Vol. III, p. 178)
Understandably, I am not referring to [setting the wedding date for]
Rosh Chodesh Sivan, which is still in the days of
Sefirah ...
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IX, p. 46)
It would be better, if at all possible, to set the date of the wedding for the day after Shavuos, or on the days following - until the conclusion of the first half of the month of Sivan.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VIII, p. 318)
It is better for a wedding to be celebrated in the early days of the month of Tammuz than on any given day in the month of Av.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 102)
With regard to Jewish ?migr?s from Russia who were only married civilly and a plan was presented to the Rebbe about arranging for their Jewish marriages in a number of months, the Rebbe responded:
You desire - Heaven forfend - to delay the weddings for five months, G-d forbid. If you would ask a rabbi who actively rules on matters of Jewish law, he surely would permit and [even] command that this be done [i.e., that the weddings take place,] even in the "Three Weeks," as is self-understood.
(As related in a wedding Teshurah)
Replying to an individual who desired to set his wedding date for the month of Av since - for various reasons - he could not set it for Tammuz or Elul, the Rebbe responded:
Either during Menachem Av from the eleventh through the fifteenth,[26] or (throughout the entire month of) Elul.
(From a letter of the Rebbe, in the summer of 5727)[27]
In reply to your letter of the 29th of Sivan in which you write that you hope for the wedding to take place - in a good and auspicious hour - in the month of Menachem Av or earlier - and in the tena'im the wedding date was set for the month of Elul:
It seems to me that if the wedding was not performed by the 13th of Tammuz or at an earlier date, it would be advisable to celebrate the wedding in the month of Elul [and not in the month of Menachem Av, for Elul is] the "month of mercy."
This is particularly so, as you write that this was the month that was set in the tena'im.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VI, p. 171)
Once, when the text of a wedding invitation was sent in to the Rebbe with the date of the 10th of Av (the wedding was to take place on the eve of the 11th of Av, the Rebbe wrote, adjacent to the words "the 10th of Av," "after midday."
(Kovetz Binyan Adei Ad, p. 6)
The entire month of Elul is a good and auspicious time for weddings, for it is a month of [Divine] mercy and good favor ("as in the first days"
[28]) and its zodiacal sign (
mazal) is Virgo (
Besulah) - as stated in the
Acharonim.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XX, p. 304)
... With regard to setting a marriage date for your daughter and her chassan sheyichyu:
In light of the statements of our Sages[29] [regarding the appropriateness of the month of Elul for weddings], it would be best that the wedding take place in the approaching "month of mercy."
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IX, p. 225)
... In my opinion it would be entirely appropriate for the wedding to take place in the month Elul - if there are no mitigating factors - as the month of Elul is a "month of mercy" and a mazaldiker month for weddings.
May it be G-d's will that the edifice [that chassan and kallah are constructing] be an eternal edifice, based upon the foundations of Torah and mitzvos, as they are illumined by the luminary of Torah - Toras HaChassidus.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VI, p. 66)
In reply to your letter of the 4th of Sivan in which you ask my opinion regarding setting the wedding date for your son ... sheyicheh - and it puzzles me why you did not offer any suggestions:
Since you ask in the names of the mechutanim on both sides, my opinion is that you set the wedding date for the month of Elul or Kislev, and Elul would be better than Kislev, particularly if it was mentioned that the wedding would take place in 5713, [i.e., during this year, and Elul is the final month of the year].
Whatever the decision, may the wedding take place in a good and auspicious hour for an eternal edifice, based upon the foundations of Torah and mitzvos, as they are illumined by the luminary of Torah - Toras HaChassidus.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 264)
... You write that your
kallah's parents do not agree to making the wedding in the month of Elul (moreover, they are fearful of [making the wedding in the month of Elul], but you do not write their reasons for their stance).
You ask my opinion whether you should take a strong stand [that the wedding take place in the month of Elul].
Surely you are not to take a strong stand; furthermore, do not even take a weak stand. For although our Sages have stated that "There is no kesuvah [i.e., wedding preparations] that does not involve an argument,"[30] these [disputes] are not matters that one is to perform in a zealous manner (ein lehader bahem) - even in a non-zealous manner (afilu bli hiddurim) one should not seek to bring about arguments. Thus you should acquiesce to their desires.
May G-d grant that whatever date is set, the wedding take place in a good and auspicious hour. Surely you will notify me in plenty of time [i.e., prior to the wedding] as to the date on which the wedding was set.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VI, p. 271)
One may arrange for the weddings of two sisters to take place in one week, but not on the same day.
[31]
(Sefer HaMinhagim, p. 76)
... You write that you are fearful of ... [an
ayin hara]. This is the second time that you make mention of such matters. I have already written to you previously, that "He who is not meticulous about this, will not be judged meticulously."
[32]
This is particularly so, as it only states that two siblings are not to marry on the same day, which itself is the best proof that when they do not marry on the same day, [even when they marry within the same week,] there is absolutely nothing to fear.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VIII, p. 154)
Relate to her
[33] the saying of our Sages, of blessed memory, that
one moment after the destruction of the Holy Temple, [he who was destined to be in that generation,] the redeemer of Israel from exile, was
born (had the Jews of that generation indeed merited to be redeemed).
One of the reasons for the above [close proximity of events]: When for whatever reason something untoward occurs, G-d brings about at the earliest opportunity an event that greatly strengthens [the individuals who were impacted by the untoward event], so that they not become dejected and dispirited, etc.
You are truly fortunate that by getting married [at this juncture] you are able to immediately begin drawing down G-d's blessings [not only upon yourselves, but] upon the entire family as well, inasmuch as Torah commands you to rejoice in the celebration of chassan and kallah sheyichyu, and doing so hastens the redemption and joy of all Jews, as expressed in the marriage blessings, "May there speedily be heard ... joy...."
(Likkutei Sichos, Vol. XIX, p. 511)
In reply to your letter of the 3rd of Kislev in which you write about the unfortunate event -
lo aleichem v'lo aleinu - that occurred in your
kallah's family;
[34] consequently, you are unsure whether to wed on the date you previously set:
Your doubts astonish me, for it is explicitly stated in the codes of Jewish law - as you, yourself, write in your letter concerning the verdict of a Rav who rules on a regular basis - that the wedding should be celebrated [in the appointed time].
It is worth adding that it is the Jewish custom not to postpone a wedding - and a Jewish custom is itself Torah, particularly with regard to matters such as the above.
... It is my hope that not only will you not defer the date of the wedding mentioned in your letter, but that you actually advance the date as much as possible - for any number or reasons.
May it be G-d's will that the wedding take place in a good and auspicious hour.
With blessings for glad tidings regarding all the above.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XX, p. 54)
In reply to your letter of the 16th of Cheshvan in which you write about your army status and that you are being sent to officer training school beginning in the month of Kislev and concluding in the month of Shevat:
You state that you are in a dilemma, because you originally thought to get married in Kislev, but doing so would mean that you would lose the opportunity to partake in that course.
If the kallah and the parents on both sides agree [to the delay], then it is my considered opinion that it would be advisable that you write the tena'im on the day you were originally thinking of getting married.
If aside from [celebrating a] vort you have already written the tena'im as well, then the parents of both chassan and kallah should get together and discuss details pertaining to the wedding.
This gathering should be conducted in a joyous manner, which is to say that you are to concurrently celebrate a Seudas Mitzvah such as the conclusion of a Tractate, a Melaveh Malkah, and the like.
The wedding itself should take place in a good and auspicious hour in the month of Adar. Surely you will notify me as soon as possible about your final decision [as to the wedding date].
With blessings that whatever your final conclusion [as to the date of your wedding], your wedding [and marriage] will be crowned with material and spiritual success.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 38)
Notes:
- (Back to text) With the input of the kallah, etc.
- (Back to text) See also Igros Kodesh, Vol. XXIV, p. 77.
- (Back to text) Printed in Beis Moshiach Magazine (together with a facsimile of the Rebbe's holy handwritten response), Issue 141.
- (Back to text) Ibid.
- (Back to text) Printed in Kfar Chabad Magazine (together with a facsimile of the Rebbe's holy handwritten response), Issue 857.
- (Back to text) Printed in Beis Moshiach Magazine (together with a facsimile of the Rebbe's holy handwritten response), Issue 161.
- (Back to text) Written to a Shaliach of the Rebbe in Casablanca, Morocco.
- (Back to text) See Kiddushin 30a.
- (Back to text) I.e., the letters of the word minhag also form the word Gehinnom.
- (Back to text) Additional material regarding specific aspects of acquiring a dwelling, etc., will be found in Eternal Joy, Vol. III - Married Life.
- (Back to text) As in the two previous letters.
- (Back to text) Pesachim 54b.
- (Back to text) Yevamos 62b; Bava Metzia 59a.
- (Back to text) 100b.
- (Back to text) In other words, to inquire of the Rebbe, who is in the United States.
- (Back to text) I.e., that weddings not be celebrated in the second half of a month, and other similar strictures.
- (Back to text) Printed in Beis Moshiach Magazine (together with a facsimile of the Rebbe's holy handwritten response), Issue 119.
- (Back to text) In light of the above response and the following verbal response, as well as other responses of a similar nature, there have been many changes with regard to the months and dates of the month during which it has become acceptable to celebrate weddings.
Consequently, the letters and responses of the Rebbe quoted in the section that follows, titled "Wedding Months" - most of which were written during the early years of the Rebbe's Nesius - differ quite markedly from the currently accepted practice, which is more in keeping with the Rebbe's desires during the later years of his Nesius.
It would therefore be advisable to consult with one's Rav about setting a wedding date during a "questionable" month or time of month, etc.
- (Back to text) I.e., that Sunday is a "day off."
- (Back to text) Printed in a teshurah.
- (Back to text) See also Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVII, p. 237, whether Sunday events come under the heading of "kvar dashu bo rabim," (it has already become common custom), as well as other factors regarding Sunday events.
- (Back to text) Esther 9:22.
- (Back to text) The above would seem to indicate that the Rebbe's response was in the affirmative - i.e., that weddings may be held during the entire month of Adar I.
- (Back to text) See Pri Etz Chayim, Shaar Sefiras HaOmer, Chapter 7.
- (Back to text) Mishnas Chassidim, Masechet Iyar v'Sivan 1:7.
- (Back to text) The fact that the word "fifteenth" was italicized would seem to indicate a preference for that date.
- (Back to text) Printed in Likkutei Sichos, Vol. XXIV, p. 462.
- (Back to text) Devarim 10:10. See also commentary of Rashi.
- (Back to text) Magen Avraham, beginning of Ch. 551, et al.
- (Back to text) Shabbos 130a.
- (Back to text) A directive of the Previous Rebbe.
- (Back to text) Pesachim 110b.
- (Back to text) This letter is the Rebbe's response to an individual whose future mother-in-law was in a state of mourning during the week preceding the wedding.
- (Back to text) The kallah's grandmother passed away.
Gifts to Kallah and Chassan - What to Give and What Not to Give